Anxiety

Letter to Anxiety

Anxiety.

Thief of joy. Killer of happiness. Inner critic. Judge Jury Prosecutor. Fear. Darkness. Everlasting loop of the past. Dread of the future. Unconsciousness of now. Burglar of sleep. Drainer of energy. Cruel. Physical and mental agony. So many ways to describe anxiety. None of them good. It is a right mood hoover!! I don't think there are too many of us are strangers to anxiety. For some people it is a crippling daily battle. My experience with anxiety has been pretty varied over the years. For me anxiety and depression have often come hand in hand. I wish I could tell you there is a magic spell or a quick fix but unfortunately this would be a lie. Anxiety is different for everyone. In my experience it is a sneaky shape shifter too, like a creep in the night. Taking many forms. It often makes me think back to the film I loved so much as a child, Never Ending Story! (bare with me) ..... Remember the horrible scary wolf thing which Atrayu the 'child warrior' had to fight. How the 'Nothing' was destroying Fantasia. Well for me Anxiety is the Nothing and I was Fantasia. Anxiety felt like being destroyed. In more recent years anxiety usually presents itself monthly in a hormonal cycle. It presents itself at other times in the form of a sore jaw. I know it so well. I rarely drink as the anxiety I experience after alcohol is so bad it became completely unbearable. Especially over the past couple of years I have really worked on healing and this has been huge release from the grasps of anxiety. It is a very broad topic. Very personal to each individual too. No magic wand. No get out of jail free card. I can only speak from my own experience. Sometimes you've got to ride the wave. Seek help. Anxiety is invisible so unfortunately some people do have the give yourself a shake attitude. Most importantly be kind. To yourself. Take time for yourself. Take the pressure off. Try to be present. Sleep. Cry. Reach out. Breathe. Distraction with something that brings you joy is always a good thing. It will pass. Something I found to be a great therapy amongst my styles of writing is open letters. Letters are a wonderful way to put feelings to paper. Maybe writing to a person who has hurt you or you are angry with! The letter never needs to be given to anyone and there are various ways I believe this can help you heal. Writing comes naturally to me but if you feel like it might not for you and you feel like you would like some help keep an eye out as this is something I am working on. Never hesitate to reach out though. The first piece of writing I had published in a magazine was an open letter. I wrote it under a pseudynom for reasons you will understand when I share it one day.

This one is to you Anxiety.......

Anxiety. I'm begging you to please go away. I do not want to keep going through this with you. It's like a vicious circle. Like a fairground merry - go - round from some warped horror movie. Everytime I feel you close I want to be able to run away from you. As far as I can but I can never escape you. Not completely. You take hold over my mind. It gets darker outside. Even on the sunniest of days you cast a dark shadow. Minutes feel like hours and hours feel like days. My head spins with thoughts. You are controlling my mind. It can be difficult to concentrate. Sometimes I feel confused between you and the truth. You make me sad. You make me nervous even in the company of my closest friends. What's that about!!! My body hurts. My stomach feels empty but I could not look at food. The sensation of dis-ease is like butterflies deep inside me. Though these butterflies are more like death moths. Dark. My soul is lost. The feeling of losing control washes over me in waves, and sometimes it feels like I will drown. I've learned how to deal with you. We battle like demons. The biggest battle being the inner one as I refuse to accept you as part of me. You are one of my demons but when it comes to you I fight back with every bit of strength it takes to beat you again and again. Sometimes I have peace for a long time. Life is actually going pretty dam good, nothing much to worry about. No drama. Just how I like it. Then bam. Hello, there you are! I honestly don't remember when we first met. I was probably only a child. Possibly after my father died. When I was a teenager I didn't even recognise you. But back then you were kind of different. More like sadness and anger, a need to be wreckless. As a young adult I can remember things that happened that made you come and go but I have no memory of what order things may have been in time. The mind has a way of sorting stuff into safer places. Well mine seems to anyway. My own personal 'Pandora's Box' As I've matured I can look back and see how much I've changed over the years. As I have grown you have also evolved. I'm less selfish now. My life isn't about me. I think of others before myself. Sometimes that helps me battle you and sometimes it hinders me. Now and again I have to allow you to wash over me while I prepare for battle. Sometimes I feel you coming and my armour is ready. Other times you sneak up and disarm me without me seeing it coming. Those are the battles I find the hardest. It's hard to be strong and deal with the thoughts you give me when you steal my sleep and turn my world upside down. I try to hide you as best I can. Sometimes I do this better than others. I love when you leave. When I take victory. I will always work on myself, I will learn and grow everyday and this will make you weaker. I will one day learn your roots and I will one day let go like I’ve never done before. I firmly believe this. The more I grow and heal the looser your grip will be. You will also be the one letting go. Life can be hard. Life can also be bloody amazing. We can never really see what's around the corner and that's part of the fun. Each twist and turn makes us how we are. Sometimes circumstances are out of our control. I've learned the only control we have is over our reaction. Quite often when you come along you completely distort reality. You are irrational. When will you learn that I will never give in to you. No matter what life throws. You will never win the battle and you don't stand a chance of winning the war. Lots of Love Bev xxx